This is the second of The Four Agreements (by Don Miguel Ruiz) and was the topic of discussion during Week 2 of my yoga-infused book talk. 

“Sounds like a you problem” is a phrase often heard these days and one that was brought up during the book talk that served a very valid point. Depending on the situation, that phrase can be taken in several ways. However, if said impeccably, it shouldn’t be taken personally because the truth is, yes, it is a you problem. 

Whatever you think, whatever you feel, I know is your problem and not my problem. It is the way you see the world. It is nothing personal, because you are dealing with yourself, not with me. 

The Four Agreements, page 51

We all create our own narratives. We are the writer, the director, the producer and the starring lead in the movie that we make up in our minds. The movie is our life and the way in which we view our life is based entirely upon our beliefs. It is our experiences, our perspectives and our domestication that shape those beliefs and we live them each and every day. 

All people live in their own dream. In their own mind. They are in a completely different world from the one that we live in.

It is especially hard to remember this with the people that we are closest with. We assume (that’s the next agreement!) that they know us and understand us and that we reciprocate that same knowing and understanding towards them. When we take our starring lead self and place that into the movie that belongs to someone else, then we just made everything about ourselves. 

Personal importance, or taking things personally, is the maximum expression of selfishness because we make the assumption that everything is about “me.”

As one participant shared, “Everyone is crazy.” If I look at everyone as if they are crazy, then crazy becomes the norm. There is no need to judge because everyone is living in a normal way. If everyone is viewed as “crazy” then its okay for me to be a little crazy too. Isn’t there a saying, “Find someone who matches your crazy?” 

Judgement came up in the discussion several times. On one side of the judgement coin is learning how to let things go. If not, “taking things personally makes you prey for predators. They can hook your attention with one little opinion. And feed you whatever poison they want. Refuse to eat the poison!” It can be very easy and enticing to take both criticisms and even compliments personally. How can taking a compliment personally be detrimental? If you believe that your worth depends on the acceptance of others. 

The other side of judgement focused on criticism. We discussed how criticism can be a form of feedback. That feedback can be used to our advantage to help lead to learning, growth and self-improvement. Being impeccable with your word (the first agreement) plays a critical role here, because we all believed that if a criticism was told to us under those conditions, we might just be hearing a truth that we need to hear (even if it is someone else’s). 

Don’t Take Things Personally is a hard agreement to keep. Perhaps keeping this in mind will help make it easier…

You are never responsible for the actions of others. But you are responsible for you. If someone is not treating you with love and respect, it is a gift if they walk away from you. You may hurt for a while, but your heart will eventually heal. Then you can choose what you really want. You will find that you don’t need to trust others as much as you need to trust yourself to make the right choices.

I paired the Yama, Asteya, with this agreement because it focuses on the imbalance in giving and taking.  Engaging in any level of theft leaves us with a perspective of deficit and of “not being good enough.”  This causes one to constantly look outside of themselves for fulfillment instead of adapting to a mindset of faith, gratitude and of “I am enough.” 

You are worthy. You are enough. Not because I or anyone else says so, but because you believe it. You whole-heartedly must believe this about yourself. That is they key for not taking anything personally.